breakthrough

I think I have had a wall up. Not between me and other people. maybe that too, but more a wall up between myself and my own feelings. Maybe it started when I had Tate and learned about what we would have to do but I think I started shutting off my feelings. Every time we gave him a shot in his head or had a surgery I forced myself to remain calm. I built a wall and slowly lost access to my emotions. Now when something bad happens I ve often thought to myself I should feel sad or wished I could cry, cuz I do feel sad, and I remember how much better you can feel after a good cry. BUT I couldn't cry until something triggered it. Like the summer before last when I miscarried and I was sad but I thought "I am handling this well" and then immediately after some good sex burst into a torrent of tears(not the reaction Clay was expecting) But it felt so good to get it out. It felt like I had punched through a wall and then I could breathe on the other side. I think most the time I just coast along the middle ground and its stopping me from enjoying things or people(like my kids) as much as I should. The other day when I learned that Irelyn had a mass in her back and the doctor doesn't know what it is yet (he said to be concerned- not worried...haha yeah right..) then on the way home my car broke down on the highway and we learned that our transmission needs to be replaced, I came home and told my mom, who had to pick up my kids for me, she said "well you don't seem very upset" but its because of this wall I have up. And it took the spirit and friendship to break thru it tonight. At relief society dinner, after a lovely presentation, some of the ladies sang a song about Christs love and I FELT SOMETHING. I think its called the spirit. And I haven't been able to stop crying since..k that's an exaggeration...but The bishop (and you really don't hear me saying this very much) said something that touched me: that we need to focus on what we do have, not what we dont. I think he was talking more about coveting but I realized that though bad things have happened, The Lord has been blessing me sooo greatly. Yes our car just broke down but it ran for three months with the check engine light on till we had tax return money to fix it. He IS taking care of my family and He has given me great friends and an amazing husband to take care of me and tonight I am grateful to feel his love.